Where is the exit door?

It's been quite some bit of time since I was last on this thing. I haven't found the motivation to write, share my life, or anything with anyone. The last 6 months have been the worst months of my life. I let myself get into another shit situation where I have to depend on people who don't care about me. I live with some one who I thought was my best friend.. but lately that person has only brought me down. They continuously remind me of the "favor" they are doing for me and constantly try to control my every move. Its becoming more and more like a prison that a place to stay and I'm getting fucking sick of it. I miss all my real friends, my sisters, my family. I miss knowing someone actually fucking cares about me. I'm not playing the "pity" card. I don't want people to feel bad for me.. I just want out of this current hell hole and back into whatever blissful life I was living before this. Because even though it wasn't ideal and didn't feel perfect at the time.. anything is better than this.

I never thought things could get this hard. I've been in tough situations before.. I've always found a way to fix them, or a way out. Why not this time? Why does this time have to be so fucking difficult? The day that Mike said he was leaving, I never imagined shit hitting the fan like this. Everyone says it will get better. When? People say set up a goal list, and accomplish one thing at a time.. but what if everything in life needs to be fixed? What if you can't pick just one thing to focus on because if you pick one thing.. something else on that list gets worse? What if you're stuck in a fucking rut so deep you can see the top and you feel the bottom coming up on you quick? I don't need a list to know everything sucks.

Rain, rain..where are you?!

I want it to be the rainy season again so bad. Last week we had a few days of overcast and rain.. but it was such a tease. Our typical southern California weather was back in action after a short little break. I don't know what it is about the rain that makes me so excited. Maybe it's jumping in the puddles, laying in bed and listening to the rain drops hit the window, and the CUTE accessories. I recently discovered these Hunter rain boots. They come in a ton of colors and are only $125! And the best part about these little babies are the changeable socks you can put in them. Aren't they adorable?!

Get them here.

Its my birthday, bitch.

I can't believe I'm 23. It feels so.. old. I'm in the state of mind right now where I do not..I repeat.. do NOT want to grow up. I want to be like Peter and the lost boys and just stay young forever.


Please and thank you?

Work, work and more work

All I do these days is work. I'm on the sixth day of my nine day work streak. I really don't enjoy when scheduling does this to me. Then they have me closing a whole bunch. It's not amusing. I love my job, I really do. But I want some stability.

I found the reason to be team Jacob.

This one is for Kevin :)

I mean... I would date me.

Its always THAT one guy. You know, the one who makes your stomach turn, your head spin, and your heart jump? I swear I jump the gun when it comes to relationships. Its not like I need to be in one... I don't. But I do like the idea of stability and know where a relationship stands. The current is one that drives me up the walls and sends me into straight-jacket feeling. I'm absolutely infatuated with him. I think he's this wonderful human being, who can do so much and get so far in life. If only he would fucking see it too. He swears up and down that the world hates him. And I try (I reeeeally do) to be patient with his half-empty attitude. But sometimes a girl can only do so much for someone before she wants to feel a little appreciated.

Am I wrong?

I need to focus on me I guess. Just for the time being. I hate saying it; I feel so selfish. But seriously, I need "me" time.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

— Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City